A Moonlight Memory
by XxShukketsuYume
Summary: Memories can be painful, but these ones just sting. A.N.: This is the biggest angst fest I've written yet.... WARNING: Slash pairing! Remus X Sirius
1. Return to Hogwarts

Remus sat down at his kitchen table, looking over the letter he had received from Dumbledore. It was a very short, quickly scrawled letter, but it did get it's message across. He picked it up, for the fiftieth time, and read it again.  
  
_Dear Remus,  
  
I know that you and Sirius are very close. Please, if he crosses your path, send him to me. Thank you.  
  
Albus Dumbledore_  
  
What could Dumbledore possibly want with Sirius? It'd been three years since the four Marauders had left Hogwarts, and even though they talked with Dumbledore frequently, they didn't see him anymore.

He tried again to write a response, but he couldn't seem to make his words stay on the paper. His mind was all over the place. He got up and paced around the room, his cup of tea and the letter in hand.

It'd been known for quite some time that the Potter's were on Voldemort's list, but it couldn't of had to do with that. Lily and James had chosen Sirius as their secret keeper, and they were safe, where Voldemort couldn't find them. Sirius would never betray Lily and James, would he?

He stopped that negative train of thought, because he knew that there was no way Sirius, Sirius Black, would betray his best friend, let alone try to get his godson killed. He recalled a particular occasion when the two had been babysitting for Lily and James. Sirius obviously loved Harry. He wouldn't get him killed.

So what did Dumbledore want? He paced around the room some more, almost deciding to go ask the man himself, when there was a knock on the door. He walked over to the door, and found none other than Albus Dumbledore on his front steps. "Hello Remus."

"Hello Professor. Please, come in." He moved away from the door and let Dumbledore enter. It was raining out, and he was soaked.

"Remus, I'm not here for a reason that I'm going to like, and neither, quite frankly, are you. Have you seen Sirius at all?"

"No, he was supposed to be home hours ago though." He said, pondering the thought. His attention was drawn to his former headmasters grim face.

The eyes that were usually so bright with happiness were sad and dark. "What is it Professor?"

"Remus, please sit down." He said, motioning to the couch. He himself took a seat in the rocking chair next to the fire. "There's no easy way to say this. Lily and James were found."

"What? That's impossible!" Remus jumped up. "There's no way Voldemort could've found them unless Sirius told him and-" He looked over at the Professor.

"I know it's hard for you to understand. It's hard for me to understand as well. We've been trying to find the spy for months now. I'm sorry Remus. I really am."

"No, Sirius would never do that." Remus said, shocked. "Never."

"He did Remus, you have to accept that. He's not the Sirius we thought we knew." Dumbledore stood up, and with one more nod of his head and a solemn look, he disapparated.

Remus almost fell to the ground. Lily and James were dead. And Harry, what happened to Harry? Sirius would never do that. Never. How could he? He loved Harry, he loved James and Lily more than words could even try to express. It was impossible. He would never harm any of them, never. He was the one who was always in there, fighting Voldemort. How could he be the spy?

He and James were the ones who had yelled at him for not fighting. For not helping. Remus had tried, oh yes, he had. But the ministry was wary of werewolves, and they turned him away. Sirius couldn't be the spy. He couldn't, he wouldn't.

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All these memories had come flooding back the moment he had laid eyes on Harry. The moment he saw Hermione, Harry, and Ron walk into the compartment, he knew who Harry was. While they tried to find out who he was, while that pest Draco scoffed at his clothes, while Ginny came into the compartment, while Neville came in, when the train stopped. Those memories flashed before his eyes so slowly it was like he was watching the film of his life story.

And then suddenly he was in the movie, acting out his part, warding off the Dementors as Harry fainted, and feeding the children chocolate as they trembled in fear. They had no idea who he was, what that thing was looking for, and who that person was to Harry. They had no idea. Only that he was a Professor of the Dark Arts, and that he saved them from the Dementor.

Walking into the Great Hall to join the welcoming feast was full of flashbacks as well. He saw a younger version of himself, Sirius, Peter, and James, eating at the Gryffindor table, plotting their next schemes. He saw the hall empty on Christmas holiday, only him and Sirius sitting at the table, holding hands, and kissing, leaving their plates forgotten.

He saw James and Lily, talking about getting married when they graduated. He saw them eating their last meal together, their last meal at Hogwarts.

And then he saw the newer Gryffindors, all the Weasleys, with their flaming red hair and freckles. He saw Harry and Hermione, sitting next to Ron, looking up at the staff table with envy, trust, surprise, and hate.

The hate, of course, was directed to Severus Snape.

Ah, yes, Severus. He hadn't changed at all. He was still a slimy prat. The rivalry in Hogwarts obviously hadn't changed for him either, for he was sending what were supposed to be disconcerting glares in his direction.

Remus smiled, and took a small sip of his pumpkin juice, waiting for the first years to file in and the sorting ceremony to begin.

)(I wrote this fanfic a long time ago, and it is finished....I'm just not sure how I want to handle seperating this into chapters, and if you all would actually want to read it....review and tell me if it's any good? Merci!)(


	2. They Meet

"Now, don't you dare mess things up. You hear? It's hard enough trying to keep this quiet in the house, you better keep this quiet at Hogwarts or you'll never be worth anything." His mother snapped, handing him his ticket and throwing his one suitcase onto the trolley. "I have to leave. You know how to get onto the platform. Go on." With that, she walked off in the direction of the parking lot. Remus pushed the trolley towards the barrier between platforms nine and ten, and leaned against it. He immediately shifted through to Platform nine and three quarters.

He looked at the brilliant scarlet engine that was before him, amazed. Suddenly, he was shoved forward, metal hitting the back of his knees and throwing him to the ground. He had lingered in front of the barrier too long. The person who had knocked him down walked forward, held out their hand, and helped him up. "So sorry." They said. "Didn't know anyone was in front of the barrier. Kind of hard to know, you know what I mean?""

"That's okay." Remus said, turning to face the boy. He was pale, with brown eyes, glasses, and jet black untidy hair. "Remus Lupin. I'm a first year I've never done this before."

"James Potter." He held out his hand to shake, and Remus took it. "I'm a first year as well." He smiled. "What compartment are you in?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, would you like to sit with me?"

"Sure." Remus and James wheeled their trolleys over to an empty compartment and put their luggage on the racks. James had four, very nice, very expensive suitcases. They looked even nicer compared to Remus' very old, very ragged one. James poked his head out the window, and started waving violently to someone Remus couldn't make out.

"Oi! Sirius! Over here!" He shouted, waving for the boy to come to their compartment.

The boy walked over, and waved at James. "'Allo James! Been a bit has it? See you still haven't fixed that hair of yours!" The boy was pale, had shoulder length dark brown hair, and deep brown eyes. "Who's that?"

"Oh, this is Remus Lupin. Remus, this is Sirius Black, one of my best mates."

"Hello." Remus stuck out his hand to shake, and Sirius took it.

"Nice to meet you. Could you help me with my luggage? Mum always packs me too much." Sirius showed them his trolley, which had seven suitcases in all. Remus and James helped Sirius put his bags on the racks and he sat down.

Suddenly, the compartment door slid open, and in toppled this very short, fat, brown haired little boy. He looked at them, blushing. "Hullo, I'm Peter Pettigrew. Do you mind if I sit in here? Everywhere else is full."

"Sure Peter, sit down."

--------------------------

Ah, that was how the Marauders had met, all those years ago. They had all been sorted luckily into the Gryffindor house, although later noted Peter should have been in Hufflepuff. The sorting ceremony was finished, and Dumbledore stood up to speak. Dumbledore said his few words of wisdom and then took the liberty to introduce him and Hagrid as their new Defence Against the Dark Arts and Care of Magical Creatures teachers. The entire great hall applauded loudly at Hagrid, except the Slytherin Table, and when he was introduced, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and everybody else who had been in the train compartment applauded. Remus smiled, looking out over the enormous group of youngsters and once again longed for those days, when he had friends, a place to call home, not just his flat, but a place where he felt he truly belonged. There was a place for a werewolf at Hogwarts, and Dumbledore made him feel safer than anybody else in the world could ever accomplish.

The feast began, and he started eating slowly, poking around the plate with his fork. It had been a long time since he'd allowed himself to think about the past. It'd been such a long time since he'd wanted to. He longed for the companionship of his three fellow trouble makers, James, Peter, and most of all Sirius. When James and Lily died, and he found out that Sirius was the spy, it felt as though he'd been the one who'd died, not James. He felt as though he died. And when Sirius was caught, he had killed Peter and a dozen or so muggles. That wasn't the Sirius he knew. That wasn't Sirius at all. It wasn't the Sirius he had fallen in love with.

)(Small chappie, I know. More?)(


	3. Christmas With Padfoot

It was a bleak Saturday afternoon in September, and Remus was sitting in the common room, as usual. He was sifting through his Charms notes, trying to memorize the somewhat complex summoning charm. Not really memorize, just learn it. He took out his wand, and pointed to a dictionary he had placed on the opposite side of the common room. "Accio Dictionary!" He half shouted, pointing vigorously at the object. It didn't even levitate off the table. He sighed and placed his wand down, burying his face in his arms. "This is hopeless." He murmured. "I'll never get this down by Monday." 

"With help you could." Sirius said, sitting down next to his friend and shutting the Charms book. He shoved the notes written in Remus' neat scrawl to the side of the table and lifted Remus' head up to face his. "Okay, now, why try to have it a little closer?" He suggested. He got up and moved the dictionary over. Then he sat down next to Remus again, handed him the wand, and pushed him to stand up.

"What?" Remus asked.

"Try it." Sirius said, pointing to the book. "Just point and say ACCIO!"

"Okay." He pointed his wand yet again at the dictionary and half shouted, "Accio Dictionary!" The dictionary came flying towards the unprepared Remus, and whacked him in the face, sending him flying backwards on top of Sirius. Sirius caught him and the dictionary falling to the ground, placed the dictionary back onto the coffee table, and smiled.

"See, you just have to be prepared for it when it comes flying towards you." Sirius smoothed a piece of Remus' shaggy brown hair out of his face and looked at the cut that the dictionary had caused. He touched it slightly with his fingers, his eyes filled with concern.

"It's nothing." Remus croaked, getting up and touching the cut himself. It didn't sting too much, he could just go to Madam Pomfrey, she'd fix it within two seconds. He put the dictionary away in the book case on the other side that it came from, and became aware that Sirius was watching his every move.

He sat down next to his best friend and shoved all his notes and charms book into his book bag, which was on the floor next to the coffee table. He noticed that the other boy was following him with his eyes. He cleared his throat and sat back up, looking Sirius in the eyes. "So, where are James and Peter?"

"James has a date with Lily, and Peter has a date with Honeydukes." Sirius said. "We've got the common room to ourselves."

"How come you didn't go to Hogsmeade?" He asked.

"Gets boring after a while don't you think? I mean, sure, I go once in a while to fill up on our Zonko's supplies, but I don't have a reason to go otherwise. James goes with Lily, and Peter just needs to shove his face in. What about you?"

"Novelty wore off for me as well. Besides, it's nice having the Gryffindor Tower to yourself."

"It truly is." Sirius had an odd look in his eye as he reached out and touched Remus' hand.

Remus stopped breathing at that moment, when Sirius first touched his hand. He had been trying not to admit that he loved Sirius for along time, ever since he first realized it that long ago night time stroll they had taken in fifth year. How afterwards Sirius had helped his damaged human form awaken with such gentleness it had shocked him. He looked up into Sirius' eyes, and he breathed again.

"Er…" His voice was strained not only from the lack of sleep but the overworking he'd enforced on himself as well. He hadn't come to Hogwarts for six years so far to fail out and make nothing of himself. Sirius smiled.

"Remus? You okay?" He asked. Sirius took his hand away and stared at Remus with concern.

"Yeah, fine." He muttered. "Just tired. I'm gonna go to bed." He walked up the common room stairs and collapsed onto his four poster. Drawing the deep scarlet velvet curtains around him, he slid underneath the gold and scarlet covers and sheets, curling up against the pillows, breathing somewhat raggedly. Had he just seen a flicker of love in Sirius' eyes, directed towards him? A flicker of love that was more than just friendship, but maybe lovers? He inhaled and held it for a few moments, to make sure he was still alive and still needed air to live. He exhaled deeply into the pillow and fell asleep.

--------------------------------------------

Remus walked into his office at Hogwarts, looking around at the pictures on the walls. There were old witches and wizards, and there were even a few old Professor's he remembered being on the walls when he was taught in this same classroom. It'd been about four hours since the feast and he still hadn't unpacked anything, except a box, over in the corner, slid underneath the desk. He stared at it, like he had been for the past four hours, and kept getting up, reaching for it, but sitting back down. He wasn't ready to go that far back yet. Definitely not when he was going through so many flashbacks just being in the castle.

He walked over to his suitcase and opened it up. There wasn't much in it, a few shirts, with holes, and some trousers. A few ties, some cloaks, his wand, some books. He set out the Dark Arts books on his desk, along with his lesson planner and his clipboard, which held all the attendance records for each class. He turned to the closet, which itself opened out into another room, which would suffice as his living quarters. There was a living room equipped with a fire place, a couch, a reading chair, a coffee table, and bookcases. There was also a bedroom, with a bureau and end table, and a bathroom with shower and other necessities. He unpacked the rest of his things and sat down next to the fire place, tea and a book in hand. His eyes scanned over the words on the pages, but he wasn't taking them in. His mind kept drifting off, until he finally put the book down and stared into the flames.

---------------------------------------------------

He sprawled out on the couch in front of the fire in the Gryffindor Common room, and sighed. He had the common room to himself, excepting Sirius of course. James and Peter had gone home for the Christmas holiday, and so didn't everyone else in the Gryffindor tower. He stared into the flames, and the dying embers that were falling off the burning log.

His thought once again, not surprisingly, were directed towards Sirius. Remus still hadn't told anyone else about it, let alone tell Sirius. He could see clearly the look that Sirius had given him, that had sent the butterflies in his stomach dancing and twirling an unruly dance that made his hands shake. He felt every time that Sirius walked into a room he was suddenly happier, in a better mood than he was before, even if he had thought he couldn't get any happier. He looked out across the empty common room, with it's array of gold and scarlet decorations, furniture and sculptures.

As he gazed at the two stairs cases, Sirius walked down the boys' side, reading a note from James, along with his Christmas present. Remus too had received his present, a copy of Hogwarts a History. Sirius sat down on the chair next to him, and looked up.

"He got me a gift certificate to Zonko's, the cheap, unoriginal bastard." He tossed the piece of paper onto the coffee table, next to Remus' volume, along with the note.

"Well, he got me a book, how original is that?"

"I got you a book too." Sirius said, smirking. Then he slapped himself on the forehead. "Shouldn't have told you that."

"It's okay, everybody gets me books. They don't know what else to get." Remus smiled at the others boy's distraught and then sudden relief as he reassured him.

"Want to exchange gifts now?" Sirius asked.

"It's Christmas Eve. Why not?" He asked. He practiced the Accio Sirius' present trick to bring him the gift. Sirius pulled his out of his cloak pocket. They passed each other the corresponding gifts and ripped back the packaging.

Remus looked at his. It was a copy of Catcher In the Rye, one that Peter had accidentally destroyed in Potions when they were paired up. He smiled. "Thanks Padfoot. It's very nice." He flipped through the pages, absentmindedly, and a note slipped out. It read,

_Moony,_

_Happy Christmas!_

_Love, Padfoot_

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

He stared at the letter, and then realized that it was just the calligraphy paper that Sirius was trying to get rid of from his Aunt Una. He looked up at Sirius, who was now ripping back the wrapping on the present Remus had gotten him. It was "How to punish your enemy- For Dummies". "Thanks Moony."

Remus nodded, staring at the note again. Sirius noticed, and sat down next to the now upright Remus. "What?" He asked.

"It's just, did you write that line of X's?" He asked.

"No, that's just my Aunt Una's calligraphy paper, remember?" He said, patting Remus on the back. "Why?"

"No reason."

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)( Tee hee. This fanfic is so cute now that I look back on it.

At any rate, I'll still add more, because I want to actually know how crappy it is.

Any takers?)(


	4. Lake Reflections

Harry raised his wand, ready, but Remus hurried forward. He didn't want Lord Voldemort to appear in the staff room, it would frighten all the students and he'd loose his job after just getting it. The orb came in front of him, like it always did, and he smiled. "Riddikulus." He said, almost lazily. "Neville, finish him off!" Snape was back, and walking towards Neville. 

"Riddikulus!" He shouted, a look of sheer determination on his face. There was a split seconds view of Snape in the lace dress before Neville let out an enormous "Ha!" And the boggart exploded, into smoke, gone.

"Excellent!" He cried as the class broke into applause. "Excellent Neville. Well done, everyone…let me see…five points to Gryffindor for every person to tackle the boggart, ten for Neville because he did it twice, and five each to Hermione and Harry." He tried to add up in his head.

"I didn't do anything." Harry said.

"You and Hermione answered my questions correctly at the start of the class Harry. Very well everyone, excellent lesson. Homework, kindly read the chapter on boggarts and summarize it for me. Due Monday. That will be all."

The class left the staff room and he slumped into a chair. "At least the first class with him wasn't too bad." He muttered, holding his head in his shaking hands. He sighed and closed his eyes. Just looking at Harry made him see James and Lily again. It made his heart hurt deep inside of his chest. He didn't know what he was going to do all year if he didn't get a hold of these emotions.

Letting his breathing steady, and listening to the pounding of his heart, he let his mind wander.

---------------------------------

Remus sat in front of the window of the North Tower Owlery, alone, among the owls. It was calm. He'd had a very, very, very bad day. First, he found out that he was failing Transfiguration, Herbology, and of course Potions. Then, he'd been called a poof by a group of desperate Slytherins. After he'd sat in the library and done all his homework, he realized that it was Friday. And to top it off, the next week, when they were going to Hogsmeade, was a full moon. He was going to be 'out sick' this time. Last time he was 'visiting his Aunt Mona.' The funny thing is, he didn't he have an Aunt Mona.

He sighed, trying to calm himself. It wasn't working. He looked out the window, letting the cool night air wash over his face. He smiled a little, and then he heard the Owlery door open. Damn, someone was disturbing his peace.

"Hey Reme." Sirius walked in, a smirk on his face and his wand twirling between his pointer finger and his middle finger. "Whatchya doing?"

"I'm sitting"  
"I've seen that myself. Now, what else are you doing?"

"Staring out the window."

"And?"

"Nothing." Remus sighed, turning away from the window, the starless sky, and the harvest moon. "Just thinking."

"What about?" Sirius leaned against the wall, facing Remus.

"Well, next trip to Hogsmeade is a full moon."

"And we needed to stock up on Zonko's too. James'll talk to Lily. Have her pick stuff up for us." He sat down next to Remus and looked out the window. "What is so interesting about the night sky?"

"It's a habit I've had ever since I became a werewolf. Watching out for full moons you know?" Remus stared at the wand twirling between his friend's fingers. "What's that for? There's no magic allowed in the corridors."

"Well, technically this isn't a corridor. And technically, I'm using magic in an educational way."

"How so?" Remus asked, smiling a little broader. He'd never heard of Sirius doing anything educational willingly.

"Well, if I call for my broom from here, it's practicing Accio right? I need to practice some. Wanna come with?"

"I can't. I have to go talk with Dumbledore."

"Live a little."

"No."

"Why not?" Sirius asked, pointing the wand at him. "No point in living if you don't do anything."

"I really can't. It's the headmaster."

"Come on." Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders, shouted, "Accio broom!" And pulled him onto the broom, waiting by the window. The zoomed off towards the lake. "Just once around, and then I'll drop you in a window close to the headmaster's office. I promise." He smiled.

"Alright. Just once." Remus let the wind fly past him, and before he knew it Sirius was landing near the edge of the lake. "Really, this is a window close to the headmaster's office?" Remus asked, a bit of a laugh sneaking it's way into his speech.

"I want to show you something first." Sirius grabbed his hand and dragged him towards the water. Remus looked down into the water and saw his ragged reflection. Next to his reflection was Sirius's. His blue eyes off set Remus' brown, and his dark hair offset Remus' light. Their pale skin blended together, and Remus thought that they didn't look that bad together. Then he shook off that thought, because it was obvious that Sirius didn't like him. So he looked up at his friend.

"What?"

"Look." He waved towards the water.

"What?"

"Look at us."

"What about us?" Remus looked up, amazed.

"Look at how we look together. We look great together." Sirius looked into his eyes.

"What do you mean?" Remus gulped, and he knew his voice sounded odd and hoarse.

"Remus…" Sirius moved towards him, and in one slow movement, kissed him. Once the kiss was broken, Remus nearly collapsed. He stuttered, mutterings even he couldn't comprehend as he sat down on the muddy lake bank.

"I…"

"You're straight aren't you? Bullocks! I should've asked first, not just come right out and done it…" Sirius's amount of worry and embarrassment confused Remus for a moment before he realized why. He was sending negative signals, because he was so shocked and baffled.

"No, it's not that. It's just…" Remus looked towards his friend, trying to find the right words, but not being able to. "I didn't know that you…and that we… I never thought that you'd thought about it."

"Have you?" Sirius asked, relieved as Remus stood up again. He nodded slowly, swallowing.

"Quite a lot actually. I didn't want to admit it. Risk loosing you." Remus stared at the ground, averting his eyes from Sirius.

"I've thought about it for ages. I wanted to take the risk."

"Why?"

"I guess I suppose the good would be so good it would balance out the bad result." Sirius looked at him hazily, as though disputing whether or not to kiss him again. Remus made a very bold decision in one split second, and later when he looked back, it was worth it. He pulled Sirius towards him and kissed him so deeply that it shocked even himself. Sirius smiled and made the kiss deeper, if possible, tugging Remus closer to him.

-----------------

Opening his eyes slowly, Remus saw Professor Dumbledore standing in front of him. "Hello Remus. It's nice to see that you've rejoined us." Behind Dumbledore, Professors McGonagall, Flitwick and Madame Pomfrey were looking at him.

"Are you alright?" Madame Pomfrey asked. "It's almost time for your next class to be over."

Remus jumped up, trying to collect himself. "Yes, I'm fine Madame Pomfrey, fine." He murmured. "I just slipped off. I better go." With a smile and nod he swept off towards his classroom, where a group of confused fifth years sat. They had been doing homework since the beginning of class, with occasional checks from Professor Binns, who's class always fell asleep anyway and could drift through the walls.

He opened the door and walked in, smiling broader at the children who now looked up. "Sorry I'm late, I had something else that kept me occupied. Er…" He looked at his lesson planner. He was supposed to teach them about the jarvey today. Damn. Why did he 'fall asleep'? He looked at the homework. Too complicated for them to do without understanding what the jarvey was. "Homework this evening shall be to read the chapter on jarveys and summarize for me." He pulled it out of his hat of tricks. "Due Monday." The class nodded, recorded the assignment, packed their things, and left.

Remus sat down behind his desk, sorting through all the papers he had on it. Third years had that assignment due, fifth years about the jarvey, first years were reading about dragon blood, second years were reading about pixies, sixth years about Chimaeras, and seventh years lethifolds. He put his lesson planner in the drawer, his papers along with it, and closed his eyes, leaning back. He didn't fall asleep. He had been so far into the back of his mind he hadn't heard anything the Professors had been saying to him.

A small wisp of wind blew threw the room, and Remus let it wash over him like some medicine, like some aid that would cure his loneliness, that would bring back his friends. He wished he was in the common room, a boy, with Sirius, James, and Peter, reading over some new scheme they were planning, or some mail they had received from their parents. That's one thing Remus never got. Mail. He remembered once, when they were about in third year, right before they found out Remus' secret, Sirius noticed he never got mail.

_"Why don't you ever get any post?" He had asked. James and Peter looked at him curiously._

_"You know, I had never noticed that before, but he's right." James had said._

_"I don't know." Remus had replied._

A small knock at his door threw him out of his minor flash back. His eyes opened, his ears still ringing with the sounds of his boyhood friends' voices. "Come in." He croaked. Dumbledore walked in, his robes whirling behind him.

"Remus, are you alright?" He asked. There was a serious look of concern on his face.

"Professor, I'm alright." Remus muttered, clearing his throat. He stood up, still being dwarfed by Dumbledore's height, and intellect. He wondered if the man had a superior.

"Ah, but I disagree. Are memories coming back?" What was it about Dumbledore that allowed him to read minds?

"Yes, but they're nothing."

"Can you carry on teaching?"

"Yes Headmaster, I can." Remus looked the professor straight in the eyes. He didn't want his flash backs and memories to get in the way of his only source of income, and shelter. He needed this, far more than anything else he'd ever needed before. He needed a home.

"Alright. I'm going down to dinner. Will you be joining me?" He asked.

"Yes, in a bit."

"I'll see you there." Dumbledore turned around and left, still feeling a little hazy about the former student. With reason.

Remus slumped against the wall, sighing. If only the professor knew what was haunting him. For that past ten years he'd been trying to figure out where he'd gone wrong, what he hadn't seen. And nothing was coming back to him. When he had heard that Hogwarts needed a teacher, in his best subject no doubt, he applied. It was no surprise that the former mentor of his had hired him, let alone convinced the wary staff members to trust him. His eyes drifted off to the door, watching the small shadow of Mrs. Norris pass by.

That was the reason he had come, wasn't it? To remember what he hadn't seen? What he'd missed? He composed himself, standing up and walking towards the door. He'd go and eat, then lock himself up in his room, and remember. Or try to anyway.

Walking down to dinner, he sat down at the staff table, with some wary looks from every teacher but Severus. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were gathered around their table, eating their foods. Remus grabbed some food and pushed it around his plate, taking a bite occasionally. He hated the fact that the staff was watching his every move, but he appreciated that they were worried. He looked around at all the students, and every so often he saw flickers of James, Sirius, and Peter, running around the hall, laughing. He missed those days. Blinking, he watched as the Weasely twins, who now had possession of the Marauders' Map, were carefully surveying the grounds. The first Hogsmeade trip was coming up soon, and unfortunately, it would occur on the full moon. This meant he would have to be 'out sick', drinking Severus' concoction to keep him calm and in the human mind.

Remus smiled and waited for the Great Hall to empty, all the students filing back to their common rooms to dwell until tomorrow, when classes would start again. Once it was empty, he bid farewell and goodnight to all the teachers, and locked himself up in his living quarters.

Slumping onto the couch, he dimmed the lights, kicked off his shoes, and pulled a blanket over himself. Another trip down memory lane was in order.

----------------------------------------------------


	5. Betrayal

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two boys had been sneaking around for the past two months, not wanting their best friends to 'discover' them. Now, while everyone was gone on Easter holidays, they had the common room to themselves. Remus pulled the blanket tight around his body, sprawled out before the floor in front of the fire. He had Catcher in The Rye, the one Sirius had bought him, in his hand, and slumped back against the couch, he began to read. Once he got to the part where Holden meets with the prostitute, he drifted off, curling up into a ball on the common room floor.

"Hey Moony." Sirius' voice drifted through his dreamless sleep like a beacon's light. His eyes slowly opened, and he smiled, realizing that Sirius was holding him, and stroking his hair.

"Hey Padfoot." Remus muttered, his voice still in the half asleep dazed tone. He looked over at the now thrown astray book, his place kept, on the other side of the room. He looked up at Sirius who pushed a stray hair out of his face.

"Nice sleep?" He asked. Remus had no idea how long he'd been out for, just that he'd been asleep for a while.

"Hmmm. I quite enjoy the position I'm in now as well though." He said, laying his head on Sirius' stomach, pulling the blanket up to his chin. Sirius stroked his hair again.

"Me too. Hey Reme, how come you never told me before?" He asked.

"Told you what?"

"About you liking me."

"I thought you didn't like me. No point." Remus said, sitting up and looking into the eyes of his companion. "I'm not the most outspoken person, in case you didn't notice."

"I did. And that's what I love about you." Sirius smiled, and kissed him softly. "Where are you going for summer vacation?"

"Home would be my guess."

"Maybe you can spend the summer at my house." Sirius said. "My mother and father won't mind. They love you. And James, not so much Peter, but that's not the point."

"My Mother wouldn't dare." Remus muttered. "Full moons, uh uh."

"What do you do for full moons at your house anyway?" He asked. Remus looked at the floor. If he told Sirius where his mother put him during full moons, Sirius would flip. And then he would slaughter his mother.

"She keeps me in a room in the basement, locked up. Alone. Where I should be. So no one gets hurt." He said slowly. "I still don't think the three of you should do this. Padfoot, what if I bite you? Kill you even?"

"You wouldn't kill me. You love me, remember?"

"The werewolf doesn't care about people, it just wants meat. And that's all you are when I'm a werewolf. Meat. You, James, and Peter. Such easy targets. I'm betraying Dumbledore's trust, I'm betraying my mother, I'm risking your lives."

"We pulled it off in fifth year. I trust you, I trust us. We trust you. We trust us. Reme, you know we won't let you go out there alone. You'd kill yourself."

"Maybe that would be better for everyone else." Remus muttered. "No werewolves, no nothing. Just dead."

"Stop talking like that or I'll make you." Sirius said, pulling Remus close to him and wrapping the blanket around them. "It'd be hell for us. For everyone. You know that. There are loads of people who love you. Even if that bitch you call mother doesn't."

------------------------------

He could still feel Sirius' arms around him that day, the feel of his hair, the feel of their bodies pressed close together. He missed Sirius, even if he was a killer. He loved Sirius. He'd never stop loving him. He wondered if Sirius still loved him. If the man he once knew was still in there, somewhere, deep down in that soul. Those deep blue eyes, and pale skin, with raven hair, somewhere, was the kind, compassionate, amazing, loving Sirius he knew. The Sirius he loved. If Sirius still loved him, thought about him every moment, waking or asleep. If Sirius ached for Remus the way Remus ached for him. Then maybe he could sleep, knowing that the murderous bastard was in as much pain as he was. That the asshole who had accused him of being the spy was hurting almost worse than he was. That the soul wound wasn't gone, and could never leave him, just like it couldn't leave Remus. If all that was true, then maybe Remus could continue on. Maybe Remus could learn to forgive him. Maybe, just maybe, he could learn what turned him.

Remus removed the blankets and got up off the couch, tears staining his cheeks and his throat tight. He put on his pyjamas, turned down the covers, and fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of his boyhood and his turning into manhood, and the betrayal that he still couldn't forgive.

FIN

)(Well, that's all for that angst fest of a fic. XD I was thinking about doing a sequel, but just never really got around to it. If you guys want me to, review, and I will. Hope you enjoyed it.

YFFSM,

Pengwinn)(


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